When You Die

“Dad, when you die, can I come back as anything I want?” my six year old son asked me.

“Yes. of course,” I responded.

“Then I want to come back as myself so that I can see you, and, you can see me,” he said in an especially, yet serious, child-like voice.

I sat and stared at the ceiling, as we were both lying in bed together as he so frequently wants to sleep in my bed, while our youngest son likes to sleep with Mom. Aside from being amazed at how deep this thought was at such a young age, it truly made me realize how strongly my son connected with me.

I responded back, “Don’t worry you’re not going anywhere, and, I will be here for a long time.” Then, there was a pause, as he seemed to wrap himself tighter in the blankets next to me.

“How long, will you be here?” “Will you be here longer than Grandpa, because he was 86 and that only gives you forty more years.”

“Yes, Levi, I will be here longer than Grandpa.”

Soon, thereafter, I heard him breathing heavily through his mouth. I began to then think, just how long would I be here - around, that is — not so much for me, but for “them,” my sons.

When will I die, I thought? Then, I thought — is this the right question a parent should be asking. We are obsessed, I thought, with living long lives, but, why? What makes life worth living? Then, from answering that question, we should strive to live as long as our life (according to our own answer) is worth living.

For me, seeing how my son can articulate that he wants to come back to me as himself rather than anything else on earth makes me already recognize how much of an impact sharing one’s passion with another can be. I say this in knowing that as a Father this is what I am most able to do with my kids.

I feel that this passion — generally some activity relating to the outdoors — is what has truly bonded all of us, where we share a sense of unified purpose, and all that goes along with this — confidence, teamwork, encouragement and the like.

So, as Levi slept, I knew that I needed to stay active to continue to be able to connect through my passions, and, ultimately this transcends into conversations that comes from these bonding experiences. It is these bonds created outdoors that have all the same underpinnings that inspire these deep conversation indoors — confidence, listening etc.

Eventually, I nodded-off to be awoken to the everyday routine of Fatherhood. Yet, now, I feel empowered knowing that life is more than an everyday routine that can reveal itself clearly when our thoughts are sorting themselves out and when wolves, tigers, and bears come second to being yourself — to be nearest to the ones you most admire and, in return, most admire you.